First Favorite Parent
By kate on July 22nd, 2007
Right now, I’m unquestionably Ruby’s favorite parent. If I’m around, she insists that I put her to bed (and screams if Steve tries to do it). She tends to follow me around, and asks me to pick her up. I’m the one she wants when she’s hurt. When she’s with Steve, she asks for me.
I’m mixed about it. I feel bad for Steve, because it clearly hurts his feelings. It’s not good for her to be so dependent on me, because of the times I’m not there (although so far, she’s mostly been difficult about it when I’m around rather than when I’m gone). And sometimes it’s just inconvenient. For example, this morning I was reading the newspaper, and Ruby kept coming to me for things, even though I tried to direct her to Steve, who was in the room specifically to play with her.
On the other hand, I thoroughly enjoy the closeness with her. All the hugging and kissing can make me swoony. [Steve hit upon a great metaphor: he said when Ruby hugs me, I’m like a character in a video game who’s hitting some kind of jackpot. The longer the hug goes on, the more points add up (ching ching ching) above my head.] I understand how she feels – she’s my favorite child, after all, so I know what it’s like to prefer someone. Her affection is making a big positive impact in my security and confidence as a mother (which I didn’t always have).
A surprising feeling that this causes is one of pressure. I know Ruby won’t always prefer me. I’ve heard many stories about kids changing their favorite parent overnight. Along with her “mama, mama, mama” I also hear a ticking clock. This is helping me to slow down and suck the pleasure out of every moment, knowing that it could end anytime. Ruby often follows me around in the kitchen while I’m making breakfast or lunch, hugging my legs and asking “up?”. Even though I can’t hold her and prepare food at the same time, I make a point to stop and lift her up anyway. I hug her, show her what I’m doing, and stop time for just a second.
My favorite parent blogger, MetroDad, has an excellent entry about being (and not being) the favorite parent. It, like usual, manages to be both hilarious and moving.
Filed under: parenting | Comment now »
Associated Press tattoo article
By kate on July 14th, 2007
A couple of months ago, I was interviewed by a freelance AP reporter who was writing an article about new tattoo trends. He found my website, specifically the page on my inkless tattoos, and wanted to ask me about them. He told me that the story would go out on the wire in mid-June, and he’d let me know if it ran anywhere. When I didn’t hear back, I assume the story wasn’t picked up.
Today, I thought to search for it, and to my surprise, it was picked up by a few newspapers, including by our own Seattle Times (even though the article doesn’t say I’m from Seattle). I guess it’s a bad sign for the newspaper industry (sigh) when nobody mentioned seeing my name.
Here’s the article. I was pleased to see I came off sounding articulate.
Filed under: body, media | 1 Comment »
Why I don’t want the best for my child
By kate on July 3rd, 2007
“I want the best for my child.”
That’s a commonly heard phrase, and if you don’t examine it closely, it sounds pretty good. I kept thinking about it, though, and realized that I disagree.
The corollary of “I want the best for my child” is something like “my child is uniquely special in the world and deserves the best.” At this point, I start to see red flags. As much as I love Ruby and feel she is amazing and special, I don’t believe she is innately better and more deserving than other children. And I don’t want her growing up believing that, either. I think this is where some very well-meaning parents go wrong, accidentally bringing up elitists. I’ll cop to some elitism myself, something that I sometimes struggle to see around. While Ruby should always know that her parents think she is the best kid in the world, she should also understand that the rest of the world has no obligation to see it the same way. It’s a fine line.
So, instead of the best, what I want for Ruby is the “good enough.” The pursuit of the best would be a waste of time, money, and other resources. (I’m talking here about things like lessons/classes, clothes, toys, furniture, etc.; basically stuff and activities.) Ruby can be a happy, well-adjusted child without infant Swahili lessons or fancy educational toys. I keep reminding myself that millions of people have reached adulthood without all of this single-minded striving to provide the best. Ruby will be happy with good enough toys – why shouldn’t I be?
As far as her future success, she will find her own level, and we can’t influence that too much. The giant parenting industry trying to push toys, supplies, activities, and media greatly overestimates the impact that parents can have (especially when you’re talking about non-poor kids in loving homes). I can certainly encourage and support Ruby when she shows an aptitude for things. But there are countless examples of successful people with terrible or absent parents. If she’s as smart as I think she is, she’ll do well in school and work without the need for me to buy her flashcards this week.
Besides, now that I’m an adult, I find I define success more broadly than “they” did in school. As long as you can get to the baseline of having a decent job that pays you enough to live comfortably, real success comes down to your attitude and interpersonal relationships more than your title or how much you make. When I think about what feels most successful about my life, it’s my marriage, my family, and my friends (and that’s not to say I haven’t been successful at work). Even career success depends on how well you relate to others, and you just can’t be good at that while believing you’re better than them.
I want Ruby to have similar success, and I’m starting by trying to teach her about our common humanity, rather than why she is entitled to the most expensive toys. I want her to feel empathy for others instead of putting them into labeled categories. She shouldn’t grow up feeling like the world owes her something.
Don’t misunderstand me — if Ruby shows an interest or aptitude for something, we’ll certainly encourage it. The bar for what’s “good enough” would get higher in that case, as we pursue whatever it is. It’s just more of a reactive model. I prefer to wait for things (good and bad) to develop, and then address them, instead of throwing all kinds of time and money at “what if”s.
It’s fine (and likely) for Ruby to be better than some people at some things. She may even be better than everyone in her class or school at something, and that would be great. But that’s very different from being unilaterally better (more entitled) than others. That’s what I’m trying to avoid by resisting “the best” for Ruby.
Filed under: consumerism, parenting | 2 Comments »
See this movie!
By kate on June 22nd, 2007
Two years ago, one of the really great films I saw at the Seattle International Film Festival was Inlaws & Outlaws. I expected it to have a general release, at least in Seattle because it was filmed here, but it vanished. Yesterday, it was featured in the P-I and I was happily surprised to see it is finally having a run here.
I recommend the movie very highly. It’s a documentary of couples (at all stages) talking about their relationships. It’s a meditation on marriage and couplehood and is very beautiful and moving.
The movie is showing at the Uptown Theatre (511 Queen Ave. North) in lower Queen Anne from June 15th – 28th.
Filed under: film, relationships | Comment now »
Keeping the house
By kate on June 19th, 2007
Now that I’m home with Ruby, I see my job as caring for her and taking care of the house. As in, it’s my job, what I’m (sort of) being paid to do. I’m finding, to my surprise, that it’s a pleasure to get the chance to focus on these things instead of stuffing them into the odd moments of free time that I could find. When I was working, housework was at the bottom of my list of priorities. Now, I have the chance to apply my “work mind” to the house. I can organize and schedule and expend effort like I did at work.
Another surprise is that I’m a pretty neat parent. This was not expected. In the past, I’ve lived in a state of somewhat untidiness, letting things pile up until I had time to clean (usually on the weekend). Now, though, I find myself cleaning up the playroom anytime Ruby is napping. I straighten up the main floor every morning, and clean the kitchen after every meal. It’s pleasant to live in a cleaner space, and straightening up doesn’t take too long. I also like that Ruby sees me doing it, so she’ll learn that it is a task to be done (rather than it happening magically while she’s asleep). I plan to have her help me as soon as she is able.
One aspect of housekeeping that feels familiar is the more “handy” side. I’ve always been adept with tools, and enjoyed a woodworking hobby for a while (before aerial, then Ruby, pushed it out of the way). In the past couple of years, though, it’s been Steve who has done things like replace our kitchen faucet, change the furnace filter, etc. It was easier to have him do it because he was the one at home (working from home, then being a stay-at-home parent). Even on weekends, my to-do list was so crowded (and I also needed time to relax) that I rarely took on a house-related project.
Now, though, I’m finding room in my schedule for such things, especially on the days when Ruby’s grandparents are watching her. This week I keep puttering happily into the garage looking for the right drill bit or a scrap of wood. I’ve washed all the windows (inside and out), edged the lawn, installed a clothesline, and am working on babyproofing some cabinets.
Productivity is so satisfying when you can see the results.
Filed under: handiwork, life | Comment now »
i HAZ A bLOGG!!!!111!!
By kate on June 8th, 2007
Recently I’ve enjoyed watching the waves and ripples of lolcats wash over the internet, followed by our culture as a whole (at least my digital subculture). I love the way memes like this get transmitted and mutated at such great speeds.
Ken pointed me to a well thought-out blog post explaining some of the recent trends (leetspeak and image macros like lolcats). It’s definitely worth a read if this stuff interests you (the meat of the content starts two pages down from the beginning, so you can skim at first):
Filed under: meta, pop culture | 1 Comment »
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