Parenting and semantics

By kate on August 5th, 2008

Sometimes you can bang your head against the wall to get an idea across to your child, and in the end getting just the right turn of phrase makes all the difference. My brilliant husband has a real knack for coming up with small ideas that really get through to Ruby and make our parenting easier. Here are a few recent examples:

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Clearheaded parenting

By kate on July 30th, 2008

The week before last, I had a very hard week with Ruby. She was being a normal two-year-old and testing boundaries in new ways, and I handled it poorly at first. I simply reacted to her behavior, and found myself getting incredibly frustrated multiple times a day. By the end of each day, I needed a drink and was questioning my commitment to stay-at-home parenting.

Eventually I came to my senses and stepped back a bit. Steve and I thought over the behaviors that were bothering us and came up with a rational approach. After that, I had one difficult day of holding the line (I probably gave her 6 time-outs) before a weekend camping trip distracted us all. The next week, everything was magically back to normal, and Ruby largely respects the boundaries we set. We’re the adults here, and we just had to remember that and use our brains instead of our knee-jerk reactions.

Here are the issues we struggled with, and how we solved each one: Read the rest of this entry »

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Seven Songs

By kate on June 13th, 2008

Alan tagged me with the following meme:

“List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your spring. Post these instructions in your blog along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they’re listening to.”

This turned out to be challenging for me, because these days I tend to let more knowledgeable people (KEXP DJs) and robots (Pandora) select my music for me. But I racked my brain, twisted the rules a bit, and came up with these:

1. “Way Down in the Hole” by Tom Waits. This is the theme song for (the TV show) The Wire, which Steve and I have been devouring all spring. I’m sure that hearing this song will always remind me of this time, in the same way that the Arrested Development theme brings me back to Ruby’s newborn days.

2. “Guadalajara” performed by Mariachi Fiesta Mexcana. Last weekend, we attended the wedding of an old friend who had attended ours. He loved the mariachi band we had so much that it was the only wedding detail he insisted upon. We were thrilled to enjoy a large, live mariachi band in person again, and were their most enthusiastic fans, especially Ruby, who danced to every song. They played (at our request) “Guadalajara,” which we consider “our song” - we loved it in Mexico, and it played at our wedding the moment we kissed. It’s not a traditional love song (it’s about the Guadalajara area), but we like it because it’s robust and upbeat.

3. “Ray of Light” by Madonna. I heard this song at the same wedding, and it brought me right back to our Mongolia trip. We only had a handful of cassettes in our jeep ride around the country, and Ray of Light was one of them. It was replayed countless times, most memorably as I visited Mt. Otontenger, a pretty mountain, in blustery winds. For a few minutes on Saturday night, listening to the soaring joy of this song, I was back there.

4. “Great DJ” by the Ting Tings. After hearing this song on KEXP, I’d get it stuck in my head. One day, the same thing happened to Ruby and I heard her singing “the drums, the drums, the drums.” I was just making her a new mix CD for the car and gave this song the featured spot at track #1. That means we hear it a lot, and I’m still not tired of its frothy poppiness, which surprises me.

5. “De Bolon Pin Pon” by Flaco Jimenez. Ruby has the Latin Playground CD, and has been playing it a lot. All in all, it’s a good CD, but this particular track is the worst earworm I’ve encountered in a long time. I’ve gone so far as to run across the room screaming to skip the track (and keep myself from hearing it). I’m not “really enjoying” this song — the opposite — but it’s part of my spring nonetheless.

6. “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash. The final Ruby-influenced song. She heard it one morning on KEXP and just loved it. She mentioned it so much later that day, that I treated her to a video of Cash playing the song. At her insistence, we watched it six times in a row. Even now, weeks later, I sometimes have to fend off her requests for repeated viewing. Repetition aside, I like the song as well as the story behind it.

7. “A Letter from God to Man” by dan le sac vs. Scroobius Pip. Every time this song comes on the radio, my ears perk up and I hear some new lyric I’ve never heard. I love the attitude and the cleverness. I think I’m going to buy some of their music. And how can I resist a guy who nicknamed himself after an Edward Lear poem?

So there you have it. I’ll just say that this list doesn’t showcase my actual taste in music, just what’s been on my mind lately. If you’re interested in what I really like, check out my carefully honed Pandora channel.

Now, I get to tag seven other people… Zach, Meredith, Molly, Andreas, Buzz, Ben, and Joe: you’re it!

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I’m not one of THOSE parents

By kate on June 7th, 2008

I just read this article in the Seattle P-I and was flabbergasted at the deliberately even-handed tone. The reporter gives equal time and weight to people who don’t want kids disturbing their businesses and parents who feel they have the right to impose their children on everyone. Excuse me? I didn’t realize that it is now supposedly OK to let your kids run rampant. Parents with this kind of entitled attitude infuriate me.

Even though I’m also a parent, and love my kid enough to think she walks on water, I would never presume that anyone else is happy to see her. If a business requests that children not be present, I’m happy to respect that. In other businesses, Ruby is kept on a very short (figurative) leash. She knows to stay right by me, doesn’t touch things without permission, and talks in a normal speaking voice. When she disobeys any of these rules, she gets a single quick warning, followed by a time-out if she still doesn’t listen. If her noise level rises (and she won’t be quickly hushed), I take her right outside so as not to disturb others. The only places I let Ruby run free are specifically for families: playgrounds, playcenters, parks, etc. (Then, I’m happy to sit back and let her run around exploring things for herself.) Because of our high expectations and this consistent discipline, we’re able to do things like take Ruby to restaurants and grown-up events.

Unlike the self-centered parents quoted in the article, I encourage you to tell me if my child is bothering you (or your patrons). I won’t get ridiculously offended that you dared to question my parenting practices. While “even the best-behaved child is going to have a bad day and throw themselves down on the ground and scream,” when that happens it’s the parent’s responsibility to remove the child immediately, rather than shrug it off as just the way it goes.

We all live in this world together, and the more courteous we all are, the better. Don’t you want your child to learn that lesson, too?

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Twitter Quick Start

By kate on May 20th, 2008

Now that a large number of my friends are using Twitter, I use any opportunity I can to lean on the non-Twitterers to join us. I often emphasize the personal news that they’re missing. Today, one of my victims friends asked me how to get started, so I sent him a few quick instructions.

I’m sure there are many other such pages out on the internets, but I thought I might as well post here what I sent to my friend, in case you needed this extra push.

Twitter Quick Start

1. Set up an account if you haven’t.

2. Follow people. If you know a person who uses Twitter (such as me), go to their Twitter page and look at who they follow to find other people you know. Follow those you know (or find interesting), and then look at their friends.

3. Get a good twitter client for your PC and your mobile phone so you can keep up. I personally use Twhirl on the computer and TinyTwitter on my Blackberry, but there are other good ones too. You can use IM and/or text messages if you like, install a browser sidebar, or peruse this long list of other options.

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Making a habit of being active

By kate on April 15th, 2008

I recently had two related epiphanies that, in retrospect, seem kind of obvious. However, they hadn’t occurred to me clearly before, so I figured it was worth writing about them. Both have to do with raising active (and therefore healthy) kids.

1. Strollers discourage walking: I think most people would agree that it’s healthy to have a walking mindset, where you’re not hesitant to walk to get somewhere (whether that’s to the bus stop, grocery store, hiking trail, etc.). But how is a kid supposed to get in this habit when he or she is plunked in a stroller and pushed everywhere for their first few years? At that point, walking feels like a burden, a chore, something to wheedle your way out of at all costs.

I’ve always kind of hated strollers for their bulk and inconvenience, so I rarely bring one out with me. When Ruby was smaller, I used a baby carrier most of the time. Now that she’s bigger, a carrier is just not a realistic option because of her weight and my back issues. If we’re going to a place where walking around is the point (such as the zoo), I’ll use a stroller. But usually it’s just her and me. And with the aforementioned back issues, on some days I’m simply not able to carry her very far. This makes it more final to say “no” to requests for carrying, and so she walks. By now she is used to walking and rarely complains. I’m hoping that by making her walk now I will raise someone who won’t drive two blocks to the grocery store (as I have been known to do from time to time).

2. Making entertainment equal activity: Ruby doesn’t watch any TV. Her only screen time comes from the occasional YouTube video and our digital pictures. In addition, we have given her lots of time to play in our playroom by herself (without a parent directing things). I realized recently that this approach added up to something interesting: In order to be entertained, Ruby has to be moving. Sitting still in the playroom is boring, so she must make her own entertainment by jumping, pretending, building, drawing, dumping, climbing, reading, etc.

Kids raised on TV and video games, as well as us lazy adults, know that a lot of entertainment can come from sitting still on a couch (or computer chair). Eventually that’s what we start to crave when we’re bored. Optimistically, I’d like to believe that this early association between activity and entertainment can be wired into Ruby’s body so that it drives her for the rest of her life. I’m sure it’s not that easy, especially as she is introduced to more passive forms of entertainment. But maybe she’s at least getting a healthy head start.

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Toilet Training: we’re still waiting

By kate on March 28th, 2008

“It’s not a race,” I keep reminding myself as Ruby’s peers start toilet training. I find it hard to resist being swept up in a competitive spirit, especially because up to this point, Ruby’s generally been with or ahead of her peers. However, we’re still waiting to toilet train because of two reasons:

  • Ruby’s not ready
  • Her parents aren’t ready

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It’s possible, and not even that hard

By kate on March 7th, 2008

Before I became a parent, we had some strong ideas about what we would and wouldn’t do, especially as it relates to gender and consumerism. However, I always kept an open mind since I didn’t really know what it was like to be a parent. Despite being a bit shocked by the use of Baby Einstein videos by very smart friends of mine, I refrained from passing judgment, because maybe it really WAS necessary to get such a break from time to time. I kept hearing that, with a girl, there was no escaping the flood of pink princessy items, and while I hoped otherwise, I left a little mental room for it to be true just in case.

Well. After having been through the first two years of parenting myself, I am very happy to report that NONE of that is mandatory! And honestly, it’s not that much work, either. It’s totally possible to:

  • Dress your girl in colors other than pink
  • Avoid character-branded merchandise
  • Avoid irritating battery-operated toys
  • Give away any offensive clothing or toys you may get
  • Have a young child who never watches TV or videos
  • Avoid stupid children’s music and play good music for your child instead

I’m very proud of the fact that Ruby has no idea who Dora the Explorer, Bob the Builder, or the Sesame Street characters are. I’m sure she’ll pick up on them eventually, when she goes to school, but there’s no need for her to know about them now. As nice and cute (and even educational) as they may seem, I never forget that they’re specifically designed to use a kid’s affection to get to their parents’ wallet. Ruby has stuffed friends (a teddy bear, kitten, beluga, and doll are her favorites) who, while mass-produced, are not vanguards of a massive marketing campaign.

The things above were easy. There are other things that we’ve done as parents that were a little more work. Having one parent at home made it possible to do hippie things like use cloth diapers and wipes and make Ruby’s baby food from scratch. The parenting work I’m most proud of, that of helping Ruby become independent and disciplined, takes the most time and effort, but is obviously not impossible.

I do need to acknowledge the importance of having a family that respects our wishes. It’s been so great that my parents and Steve’s parents understand our thoughts about toys and clothes and take the time to find wonderful gifts that don’t cross the line. I think it’s vital that new or expecting parents take the time to express their thoughts up front about what they think is important. We did that by writing the blog posts linked above, as well as through conversation, and I think it helped to make things clear before any gifts were given.

I still take the open-minded approach when it comes to the future. I’m going to try to keep doing things this way as Ruby enters preschool and then elementary school, but I can’t be sure it’ll all go the way I want. All I can say for sure is: have hope, new parents - for at least the first two years, it’s possible!

Filed under: consumerism, parenting | 9 Comments »


Obama vs. Clinton: their records

By kate on February 21st, 2008

I really enjoyed this fact-filled post comparing the Senate records of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Hopefully, it should put to rest the ridiculous argument that Obama is all talk and no action or details (which is quite false).

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Short and well rehearsed

By kate on February 13th, 2008

I got a subscription to Wondertime magazine for my birthday this year, and have been surprised at how much I enjoy the articles. (It’s a Disney property and the ads are another story; I’ve started a collection of egregiously sexist ones for the shock and humor value.)

A recent article really struck a chord with me, and it introduces a parenting principle I’d like to adopt: short and well rehearsed.

My children were no longer allowed to interrupt us with “Watch this!” unless whatever we were going to see was short and well rehearsed. When applied to a dinner party, that meant rehearsed for, say, an hour, and performed for, say, three minutes. The results were amazing….  (read entire article)

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We need a “Mayor Gridlock” shirt, size 2T

By kate on February 11th, 2008

Ruby was fingerpainting this morning. Without any input from me, here is what she drew:

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Dream job: Alpha Tester

By kate on February 8th, 2008

My network of ex-Jobster colleagues contains an unusually large number of small startups. I can count about 14 startups that have been founded or co-founded by ex-Jobsters, and many others who employ ex-Jobsters. Because of my connections at these new ventures, I’ve had the opportunity lately to do some alpha and beta testing, and have been having a lot of fun.

I’ve always enjoyed taking the time to give detailed feedback when asked. I contributed to my former employers this way, and often send bug reports for the software/sites I use, but what’s really fun is engaging with a new, hungry company that is trying to get it right.

It started with Trumba about three years ago, when I was a beta user (unfortunately, I soured on Trumba later). Of course, I helped my husband improve Feedwhip, and later Picnik. More recently, I’ve worked with startups like AirSet, Stuffopolis, SimpleSpark, Urbanspoon, RescueTime, Mergelab, and I Want Sandy to identify bugs and make suggestions.

I should point out that this help is unpaid, and contributed as a user (rather than employee or consultant). I do it because I really enjoy trying out new things in my neverending quest to get everything to work just the way I want. It’s invigorating for me to interact with these entrepreneurs, see the passion and commitment they have for their products, and dream together about the best way to solve a problem.

The more highly I think of a product, the more likely I am to send in lots of bugs and feedback. I’m cheering for these baby companies to succeed, and so contribute what I can to help. If only alpha tester were a paying job, I’d do it full time.

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Parenting principle: Aim over her head

By kate on January 28th, 2008

I have a parenting principle that I try to keep in mind at all times: aim over her head. By this, I mean that I never want to underestimate what Ruby can do or understand. She surprises me a lot of the time, by showing me that she picked up on something complicated or subtle. So instead, I try to overestimate a little, and expect that she won’t get quite everything at first.

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Snacking… where’s the line?

By kate on January 23rd, 2008

I’ve been wondering about something lately and don’t really have an answer. Where do you draw the line to make sure that feeding your kids healthy snacks doesn’t turn them into adults with a life-long snacking habit?

As I am out and about with Ruby, visiting with friends, going to play centers, etc., I often see other parents giving their children snacks. It sometimes seems like a steady stream of food. Granted, it’s always something pretty healthy like Cheerios, but I still wonder what kind of habits are being developed.

Giving a toddler snacks is a natural step as they are being weaned. A baby is used to being fed every couple of hours, so they need some sustenance between meals at first. Eventually, though, as Ruby’s growth slowed, she stopped eating as ravenously all the time and I stopped giving her snacks. Now, she rarely has much between meals. An exception is if I know we’re going to have a late dinner, then I’ll give her a snack with her juice after naptime. But I don’t bring food with us when we go out, and she generally doesn’t ask for anything.

I know the other parents I see are nutrition-conscious and trying to do the best for their children. It may be that, at this age, it’s still good for them to have a snack or two a day. I’m not really sure, and parenting books are not unanimous on the subject. But one thing I try to be aware of is creating good habits, and I try to start those as young as possible. I wouldn’t want to have to wean Ruby off snacks after they’ve become an expected part of her day. It’s easier for me to skip them entirely.

Filed under: food, parenting | 5 Comments »


Plug for Community Fitness

By kate on January 14th, 2008

There’s a cool new place in my neighborhood, Community Fitness. Here’s the review I just wrote for Yelp! :

Community Fitness is a new exercise studio in the Ravenna neighborhood (open since November 2007). What makes it unique is that every class is $6, and it’s all drop-in. No commitment whatsoever. As soon as I found out about it, I went to check out a class. It’s in the daylight basement of a house that’s being used for offices, and the space is nice, clean, and new (and ventilated).

When you sign up, you need to either pre-pay cash for 10 classes (which is refundable) or give them your bank account info so they can do an EFT every month (for what you use). The point of this is so that they can efficiently collect money from people without holding up class. You really only pay for the classes you take, which amazes me.

I enjoyed the class I tried, Core Conditioning, and thought the instructor was good. They have classes every day of the week (on everything from cardio to dance to yoga to double-dutch) and I’ll probably try more before settling on which one I’ll take regularly. Because I’m definitely going back!

I highly recommend you give them a try. I want lots of people to go there so they stay afloat so I can keep going.

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